There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
two words...techno handjob
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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