nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
