The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
