I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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