I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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