I want to make a zoo with you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
