non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
