the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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