That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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