Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
