Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
