There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
