1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
