Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
