Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
