So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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