this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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