So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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