Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
