I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
