sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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