i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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