Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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