Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
