**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
