it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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