Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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