Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
