i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
