Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
