I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
