Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He felt like a one man threesome
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
