i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
