Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
