I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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