were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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