I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
