Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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