theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hippo gnu deer
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
