maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
