My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
