Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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