After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
