I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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