The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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