i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
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i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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