Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
