The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
