I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
