Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Randomize
