'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
