Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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