Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
