True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
