he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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