I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
